Filmsane

It took me a couple of days to finally order my thoughts. To breath in and take the courage just to write this, but here it is. I finally got a chance to see the latest episode of Mom (titled “Pudding and a Screen Door”) this past weekend and it floored me. The courage I was talking about at the beginning of this post, applies more on the admitting the following, and less on the writing it but bear with me.

Well the episode focused on the return of Jill (Jaime Pressly) from a 3 month stay at a weight loss clinic. She’s more than 100 pounds lighter, and with a new attitude, which doesn’t sit well with the rest of the ladies. She will be no longer paying their tab at the bistro. Apparently by buying everyone’s food and drinks she was also buying their love. And it hit me. Up until last year… I was Jill.

Look, I’m not a rich woman by any means. Never have been, and I’m not a rich woman now. I’m just good at living within my budget… I’m frugal and I can budget my money reasonably. Since I started working (right after college) I’ve been having savings, and I know how to handle money responsibly. And since I always had money I kinda didn’t feel the need to wine, complain and lie about not having them.

Something my friends were doing since I could remember BTW,  with an emphasis on the LYING. They all had jobs of course, and various sources of income, but left it to me to get the check after a night’s out. I paid for meals, drinks, sweets, and sometimes for pieces of jewelry. I was happy to actually, since all I ever wanted to do with them is just to hang out, and i didn’t even think about it. All i ever wanted was just to be friends with them. But now, I see what I did wrong. They used me and then abused me. And yes… I think I was buying their love.

Cut to fall of 2016. After 6 years of mobbing, harassment and stress filled days, I finally summed the courage to leave the job I grew to despise. I didn’t even find another job prior quitting. That’s how I was adamant to leave, because it started affecting my health, not just private life. I had a sizable savings and I figured it would last me until I get another one (which it did).

And guess what? Suddenly (around the cold and bleak winter of 2017) I could no longer pay for everyone’s meals, drinks and so on. I had to watch my spending, and I was no longer valuable to my so called friends. They stopped answering to my calls, they stopped socializing with me, and one friend even failed to invite me to her wedding.

Yes. My friend of 23 years and whom I thought was like my second sister decided that is was best that I shouldn’t be part of her wedding. That hurt the most actually. What was she thinking I’ll never know, since I’ve not spoken to her since…. But I could only guess and speculate on the reasoning. Did she thought that I couldn’t be able to afford to buy her a wedding gift? I could have. Even a gorgeous dress to wear at her wedding.

But this Mom episode really hit home. I was Jill god damn it. Well, not quite. She did made up and reconciled with her friends. I sadly didn’t but I shouldn’t complain though. I have an amazing new job, a fantastic blog that I’m proud of, new friends, and the most gorgeous talented and brilliant fiancé that I adore.